Sins of our fathers

Its been a bit of an emotional xmas this year. There's always an interesting dynamic in play at this time of year within Kaz's family that has brought to ruin many an expected great holiday. And we always say "never again" and we'll know better next year. But of course a year latter we are a little removed from the pain and angst and ready to make the same mistakes the following year. I guess its not entirely about amnesia, because whatever my feeling (which tend to be linear and pretty unforgiving) one has a responsibility to family. So you "do the right thing" even though you know its a train wreck waiting to happen.

This xmas was different from recent years. My mum and dad weren't here over xmas or Boxing day. They came on the day before xmas eve and returned home on xmas eve. It was fine, but I must confess I missed them being here. Still. They spent time with Chris my older brother which I was glad about, because I know he feels a bit left out at this time of year. The expected nightmare within Kaz's family failed to materialise and instead my eldest daughter's boyfriend finished with her. He was supposed to come to xmas dinner, but didn't turn up all day and evening. On Boxing day still no sign. He finally texted Jo and she rang him and he finished with her because he "wants his freedom".

FUCK! How many times do blokes use that line? Did Henry the 8th use it on Catherine of Aragon? What's worse is that I've used it myself in my younger days. I remember finishing with a girlfriend of four/five years standing about 18 or 19 years ago. I remember telling her to her face, but her not accepting it and my having to confirm it on the phone the following day. I remember the hollow voice, the desolate tone, the overwhelming guilty, the relief, the free fall of emotions and sickness and grief. Knowing someone who was so special to you will never be a part of your life again. Just a photo in a box in the cupboard.

I recall my ex girlfriend driving over to my house and leaving presents on the porch. I remember the knot in my stomuch and the totally disconnected feeling I had from my family. A couple of years latter a woman broke up with me around the same time of year. Its a shit time to break up with people.

And now my daughter is going through the same thing. I wish I could reach out and make it ok. Take the pain away. In some ways I'm glad its over, because what future did they have? He was one of those blokes, uncommunicative, racist, homophobic. A young man with absolutely no insight at all. I know Jo knew deep down there was no future in it, but 5 years is a big investment in a relationship. So she is alternating between anger and grief. I hate to see her this way. Not my little girl. I know its the dad in me talking. I would do anything to take the pain away.