A piece of pie

You can learn a lot about people and their attitude towards things by the way they eat pie. Some people wolf it down; the dessert barely touches the sides. They don’t taste the food, then look hungrily on whilst others eat theirs more slowly. For them the dessert is merely a physical thing to fill their stomachs. They are the people ready to take advantage of a second helping before anyone else gets a look in. Then there are those who eat a slice from the thin end of the pie, savouring the flavours. They start off with a small piece allowing the taste buds to tingle, gradually eating larger and larger segments going up the pie. It’s almost like building up to an orgasm. They are your deferred gratification types. Then there are those who deconstruct the pie. Perhaps there is a little too much cream on it? Perhaps the pastry is too flaky or too soggy? Maybe they don’t like biscuit bases. Instead of refusing the pudding, they pull it apart to get to the bits they like. They seek to impose their world view upon an external entity. They read the last chapter of a novel out of sequence to see if they like the ending.

And then there is Ty! The other night Kaz and I finally got to see Sally’s house and have a meal with her after several aborted attempts. Ty and Tina were there, and Paula (whose boots are made for walking!) joined us too. The meal was excellent and Sally fussed around feeding us course after course. Then we came to dessert. There was a fruit salad made up of berries and a home made cheese cake. Slices of the rich dessert were cut, the biscuit base thick and crunchy and the topping sweet yet light. A normal slice was plenty. Ty, clearly a dessert kind of guy, started on the fruit intending to progress to cake. But disaster! Tina, his wife, was in charge of proportionment. Now was her opportunity to wreak her terrible revenge on the unwitting Ty for all the slights he had ever given her. Philosophers say revenge is a dish best served cold… I don’t know if they were thinking of cheese cake, but this was to be the instrument that those sages had warned of.

Tina, winked to Kaz on Ty’s off side and with slow deliberation cut him a wafer thin slice of cake and passed it to him with her sweetest of smiles. It was like a knife to the heart. Ty’s eyes bulged slightly then narrowed to two slits- like Gordon Brown being advised that public sector unions didn’t think much of the pay freeze. "Is that it?" He enquired with barely suppressed rage. The rest of us, admittedly having had a few sherbets, fell about laughing.

Ty started to protest. Tina, he pointed out, knew how much he loved biscuit based desserts! And look at the slices everyone else had been given. He appealed to natural justice and all that is holy for another, more substantial piece of pie. Finally Tina relented. Or did she… No. she was determined to drive the dagger home. She cut Ty another slice only slightly wider than the last! He howled out his frustration and pain!

"It’s not fair!" He spluttered. "Look at everyone else’s pieces. They all got a goodly slice! Mine is pathetic…" At this point Kaz casually tossed in one of her verbal hand grenades. "You’re an only child aren’t you Ty?"

It was obviously now open season on all Ty Goddards. Sally turned to Paula and asked if her other half (David) who was working hard at home would like some of the much sought after dessert? Paula confirmed he would love it. There was still a fair wedge of pie left. Ty could get another piece by sharing the amount left over with David.

NOT ON YOUR NELLY!

Tina proceeded to scoop up the whole left over slice, dump it into a bowl and hand it to Paula… "Light the blue touch paper," I muttered to myself. And? Nothing! It was shock and awe all over again. Ty was almost speechless. Of course he carried on bravely, but we all knew the battle was lost and like the Iraqi Republican Guard his resolved melted into the night.

But I couldn’t help wondering, was this the end of the matter or would Ty like the insurgent Iraqis have the last laugh?